Patti Update: Final Edition: "now what?"
For the last 4 months practically all of my daily and nightly life has been dedicated to taking care of Patti in every conceivable way and detail. All of that came to an abrupt halt at 4:34 AM on Wednesday, January 30th, 2008.
Patti died peacefully and as far as I could tell, she was feeling no pain. (There was no grimacing or any kind of agitation coming from her.)
Throughout the early morning hours as I kept vigil over her, she sank deeper into her sleep and no longer responded when I would ask her a question. At some point I stopped asking, stopped giving her the morphine and I just laid beside her, watching and listening to her short and labored breathing. Often I would speak to her as the hours passed, telling her at times to go find Skip now and be with him, or to "go with the Light" when it presents itself. Others times I would gently stroke her forehead as she sometimes liked me to do when she was feeling bad, reminding her of a long ago time when her mother would pet her forehead and hair, comforting her with such love and care when she was a child, perhaps as only a mother can.
Sometimes I would sing to her a song I had made up 20 years ago to sing to sleep my then wee little daughter. It went like this:
"gnomee, gnomee, I love you..
star faeries, I love you too..
we're going to sleep and I'd like you to..
bring us a beautiful dream.
bring us a beautiful dream."
"we're all together going to sleep tonight..
we'll all go flying in the blue Star Light..
we'll find some friends and it'll be all right..
if you'll just bring us a beautiful dream.
if you'll just bring us the Beautiful Dream."
Gradually the pause between the sharp intake of her breath and the low moan of her exhale began to lengthen.
First a pause of perhaps 5 seconds or so.. then time later, the gasp in, the little moan out, then pauses lasting up to 10 and then 15 seconds. I listened close, my hand lightly rubbing her tummy which she also liked me to do for her comfort.
Finally, at 4:34 in the morning, a final exhale.. the pause between breaths.. I waited for another, but no more inhales came.. no more were coming. It's done.
After a moment I put my ear to her chest and I will never, ever forget what absolute silence sounds like. It is the kind of silence that is heartbreaking.
* * *
By the time you all are reading this Patti's body and the insidious cancer that she fought for 21 years, will both be reduced to ashes. Patti wanted me to divide her ashes so that a third of her remains would be buried alongside of Skip's ashes in Iowa, a third would stay with me to do with as I wished and the last third to let fly upon the waters of Eagle Lake in the Adirondack mountains, the one place on earth she loved more than any other, the one place she felt had always been her spiritual home.
She requested that I and our good friends Bob and Barbara and Margaret, all of whom have accompanied us on past adventures to that magical place in the Adirondacks, would go with me. That we would perform our "good byes.. until we meet again" and anything else that we needed to say to her, just off from the dock at Eagle Nest, out in the water of Eagle Lake in our 4 kayaks. ..and then.. to freely let fly her ashes into the breeze and the water, as her Spirit has now been let free from her body.
* * *
Several of you have asked me if I am going to be OK financially.
The short answer to that is "yes".
The somewhat longer answer is that I have always added to Patti and my own pooled resources from income derived from my farm in Iowa. Add to that my drawing of social security every month.
Patti has graciously and lovingly set me up with a steady income stream from her parent's estate, that taken altogether there will be enough for me to continue to pay the condo fees here in DC as well as to continue buying health insurance and the other basic necessities of an ordinary life.
I feel a responsibility not only to Patti but also to her parents, Nathan & Hilde, for this. As it stands, by my calculations, I have enough to carry me through to my own "last breath", however long that may be, that is if I don't go and do something stupid.
It is hugely important to me that when I finally catch up to Patti again, that in facing her parents they would be able to say to me "Bill.. you damn well did OK by our daughter." (or something to that effect)
* * *
Patti wanted a memorial so there will be a memorial. But I don't know when. (possibly in about 3 weeks) Many people ask me if there is any way they can help in any way. Well, whoever wants to, can just jump right in and help with all the details. The memorial will be at the Institute for Spiritual Development. This is the church that helped Patti to get through some of her darkest years after her husband, Skip's, death back in '91. The Reverend Pat Makin will be in charge and anyone wishing to participate or contribute in any way in this gathering to celebrate Patricia's life should either email Pat Makin at: pmakin@mris.com or call her at: (202) 678-2697
When I find out exactly when the memorial is to occur I will post the info onto our blog at billandpatti.com or anyone can email me.
* * *
Finally, I want to send out a thousand thank you(s) to everyone who has offered their sympathies to me. But I also want to acknowledge your own pain of losing a friend that each and every one of you who knew Patti have also been feeling. Although this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life, still, I'm not the only one who has been hurting because of our beloved Patricia's passing. You all know who you are and I pretty much know who you are too. Whether friend, cousin, sister, aunt, niece, nephew, whatever.. you too need to take some time and space to reconcile and accept your own loss of an extraordinary spirit that will never come our way again.
On these thoughts of mine on this 4th day of "now what?".. may we each and all gradually become reconciled to the conflicts created by her too early death.
May Peace prevail in this often bitter sweet world of ours and may we all "go flying in the blue StarLight". Just maybe then, we too, like Patti, can find that most Beautiful of Dreams.
I think she would like that.
Bill (and Patti)
Patti died peacefully and as far as I could tell, she was feeling no pain. (There was no grimacing or any kind of agitation coming from her.)
Throughout the early morning hours as I kept vigil over her, she sank deeper into her sleep and no longer responded when I would ask her a question. At some point I stopped asking, stopped giving her the morphine and I just laid beside her, watching and listening to her short and labored breathing. Often I would speak to her as the hours passed, telling her at times to go find Skip now and be with him, or to "go with the Light" when it presents itself. Others times I would gently stroke her forehead as she sometimes liked me to do when she was feeling bad, reminding her of a long ago time when her mother would pet her forehead and hair, comforting her with such love and care when she was a child, perhaps as only a mother can.
Sometimes I would sing to her a song I had made up 20 years ago to sing to sleep my then wee little daughter. It went like this:
star faeries, I love you too..
we're going to sleep and I'd like you to..
bring us a beautiful dream.
bring us a beautiful dream."
"we're all together going to sleep tonight..
we'll all go flying in the blue Star Light..
we'll find some friends and it'll be all right..
if you'll just bring us a beautiful dream.
if you'll just bring us the Beautiful Dream."
Gradually the pause between the sharp intake of her breath and the low moan of her exhale began to lengthen.
First a pause of perhaps 5 seconds or so.. then time later, the gasp in, the little moan out, then pauses lasting up to 10 and then 15 seconds. I listened close, my hand lightly rubbing her tummy which she also liked me to do for her comfort.
Finally, at 4:34 in the morning, a final exhale.. the pause between breaths.. I waited for another, but no more inhales came.. no more were coming. It's done.
After a moment I put my ear to her chest and I will never, ever forget what absolute silence sounds like. It is the kind of silence that is heartbreaking.
By the time you all are reading this Patti's body and the insidious cancer that she fought for 21 years, will both be reduced to ashes. Patti wanted me to divide her ashes so that a third of her remains would be buried alongside of Skip's ashes in Iowa, a third would stay with me to do with as I wished and the last third to let fly upon the waters of Eagle Lake in the Adirondack mountains, the one place on earth she loved more than any other, the one place she felt had always been her spiritual home.
She requested that I and our good friends Bob and Barbara and Margaret, all of whom have accompanied us on past adventures to that magical place in the Adirondacks, would go with me. That we would perform our "good byes.. until we meet again" and anything else that we needed to say to her, just off from the dock at Eagle Nest, out in the water of Eagle Lake in our 4 kayaks. ..and then.. to freely let fly her ashes into the breeze and the water, as her Spirit has now been let free from her body.
Several of you have asked me if I am going to be OK financially.
The short answer to that is "yes".
The somewhat longer answer is that I have always added to Patti and my own pooled resources from income derived from my farm in Iowa. Add to that my drawing of social security every month.
Patti has graciously and lovingly set me up with a steady income stream from her parent's estate, that taken altogether there will be enough for me to continue to pay the condo fees here in DC as well as to continue buying health insurance and the other basic necessities of an ordinary life.
I feel a responsibility not only to Patti but also to her parents, Nathan & Hilde, for this. As it stands, by my calculations, I have enough to carry me through to my own "last breath", however long that may be, that is if I don't go and do something stupid.
It is hugely important to me that when I finally catch up to Patti again, that in facing her parents they would be able to say to me "Bill.. you damn well did OK by our daughter." (or something to that effect)
Patti wanted a memorial so there will be a memorial. But I don't know when. (possibly in about 3 weeks) Many people ask me if there is any way they can help in any way. Well, whoever wants to, can just jump right in and help with all the details. The memorial will be at the Institute for Spiritual Development. This is the church that helped Patti to get through some of her darkest years after her husband, Skip's, death back in '91. The Reverend Pat Makin will be in charge and anyone wishing to participate or contribute in any way in this gathering to celebrate Patricia's life should either email Pat Makin at: pmakin@mris.com or call her at: (202) 678-2697
When I find out exactly when the memorial is to occur I will post the info onto our blog at billandpatti.com or anyone can email me.
Finally, I want to send out a thousand thank you(s) to everyone who has offered their sympathies to me. But I also want to acknowledge your own pain of losing a friend that each and every one of you who knew Patti have also been feeling. Although this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life, still, I'm not the only one who has been hurting because of our beloved Patricia's passing. You all know who you are and I pretty much know who you are too. Whether friend, cousin, sister, aunt, niece, nephew, whatever.. you too need to take some time and space to reconcile and accept your own loss of an extraordinary spirit that will never come our way again.
On these thoughts of mine on this 4th day of "now what?".. may we each and all gradually become reconciled to the conflicts created by her too early death.
May Peace prevail in this often bitter sweet world of ours and may we all "go flying in the blue StarLight". Just maybe then, we too, like Patti, can find that most Beautiful of Dreams.
I think she would like that.
Bill (and Patti)
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